ABIGAYLE PLOETZ | The Straight Play

A straight play: A term used to refer to a play that is not a musical.

CHARACTERS

TINA: Perky and cheerful, bisexual.

ROB: Snarky and somewhat annoying. Head of the LGBTQ+ Community Fellowship,

homosexual.

LUKE/LUKA: Slightly quiet, genderfluid.

MEGAN: For the most part, a peacemaker. Rob may be the head, but she’s the one

who pulls everything together. Asexual panromantic

JESSICA: A character in the play that Tina, Rob, Luke/Luka, and Megan are writing,

very stereotypically feminine. Long, blonde hair a plus (or a blonde wig).

BROCK: A character in the play that the group writes, very stereotypically

masculine.

THE GAYS: A group of characters in the play that the group writes, should be

dressed very fashionably with scarves, tight pants, and fishnets if applicable.

NICK: A heterosexual friend of Tina’s.

*Ages may vary.

SETTING

A small town in New England. Present Day. A boardroom/meeting room, with one

large table and five chairs. By ROB’s chair is a box containing notebooks.

Lights up. ROB, TINA, LUKE/A, and MEGAN are all seated at the table.

ROB: Okay, we’ll put “sending glitter to our conservative enemies” on our list of

possible outreach efforts. So, next on the gay agenda—

Tina clears her throat pointedly.

ROB: (annoyed) Fine, next on the LGBTQIAPQRSTUV–

MEGAN: What Rob is trying to say is: next on our meeting agenda—regardless

of its sexual orientation—Tina, I think you had something you wanted to

bring to our attention?

TINA: Thanks, Megan. So, I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw this

flyer. (she pulls out a bright blue flyer) “Salem County Playwright Forum

is now accepting submissions for its 20th annual playwriting competition.

Straight Plays Only.

There is a stunned silence. Then, everyone begins to speak simultaneously.

ROB: Are you serious?

MEGAN: Is that even legal?

LUKE/A: Wait, what?

TINA: Woah, woah, woah. Okay, so, um, yes I’m serious, I don’t know if it’s

legal, and I know, right? But I have an idea.

ROB: What?

TINA: Well . . . what if the LGBTQ+ Community Fellowship won the Straight

Play Competition? We could always use more funding and if we did a big

reveal when we won, we could even go viral or something!

MEGAN: That’s a great idea!

ROB: Let’s do it!

LUKE/A: Awesome! (pause) But how do we write a play?

MEGAN: Oh, I took a playwriting class in college. It’s not that hard. The real

question is how do we write a straight play?

Silence. All look stumped. Then, TINA speaks up.

TINA: (excitedly) I know! We can do research! We’ll go out, real “person on the

street” style, find people that—I don’t know—look straight and ask them

about “the straight experience.”

ROB: Alright, now we’re really getting started! We can do that over the next few

days and get together before the next meeting to write it! Here, I’ve got

some notebooks left over from our last protest when we ran out of poster

board— thanks, Luka.

LUKE/A: Luke today, actually. And I can’t help that “gender fluidity is a valid

gender expression” takes up a lot of poster board.

MEGAN: Well anyway, let’s get started!

ROB pulls notebooks from the box by his seat. As he is handing them out,

the house lights come on. ALL head out into the audience and use them

for their “interviews.” Do not wait for audience person to answer before next

question.

TINA: So, how long have you been straight?

ROB: When did you know you were straight?

MEGAN: How did your family react when you told them you were straight?

LUKE/A: So, as a straight person, what do you do when you get up in the morning?

ROB: Is this whole “straight” thing just a phase or . . . ?

MEGAN: Are you straight or just trying not to seek attention?

LUKE/A: Have you ever tried just, y’know, not being straight?

TINA: So like, (whispers) does that mean you can only do, like, missionary position?

ROB: I don’t even know how that would work with the equipment down there.

ALL: Thank you for your time!

House lights down as ALL head back to the table and sit.

TINA: So . . .

MEGAN: I got nothing. Well, I got something but it’s the kind of something that’s

really nothing.

LUKE/A: But at least that’s something!

ROB: I didn’t realize straight people were so boring. I mean, get this: when they

wake up in the morning, they—and this is a quote—“take a shower, get

dressed, have breakfast, and go to work.” Who wants to watch a play about

that?

MEGAN: Well, it’s a play. It’s about drama. We can make drama. Let’s start with

some characters. If it’s going to be a straight play, we’ll need a girl and a

guy.

TINA: Let’s name her Jessica!

JESSICA heads out on stage, in front of the table.

MEGAN: Okay, Jessica. But we have to make it clear that she’s straight. She can

say something like—

JESSICA: Oh, what a lovely day to be out in the world, my long blonde hair

blowing in the wind. Life would be oh so perfect but for one thing: alas,

I do not have a man. And as everyone knows, every woman needs a man.

And only a man. A very, very manly man.

TINA: Isn’t that a little too much?

ROB: No, that’s perfect. If we don’t emphasize it, they might think she could

possibly

be something other than straight. So now we need a guy. What kind of

guy?

LUKE/A: We have to pick a manly name. Not like Roberto or something.

ROB: Hey! Well okay. Manly. One syllable name?

MEGAN: Naturally. What about . . . Jack?

TINA: Ooh, that sounds good!

LUKE/A: Wasn’t that one of the characters in Brokeback Mountain?

ROB: And one of the gay guys on Will and Grace. That takes out Jack. And Will.

TINA: What about…Brock!

LUKE/A: One of the Pokemon people?

MEGAN: Well, Brock was a name before Pokemon . . . and besides, Brock was

always chasing nurses and girls! It’s perfect. So we have Brock . . .

 

BROCK enters from the opposite side of JESSICA and stands in front on

the opposite side.

BROCK: Ah, what an excellent day to spend basking in my manliness. My chest

hair blowing gently in the breeze. I shall take a ride on my manly motor-

cycle and perhaps see something—like a woman to spend my life with. I

so love women, but I am hoping to find the most beautiful and womanly

woman to love like a man loves a woman.

TINA: Oh, that sounds perfect—you know what? Let me go get my straight

friend, Nick! I’ll bring him up to speed and he can tell us what he thinks!

TINA exits.

MEGAN: Okay, we have characters. Now we need conflict. We need an antagonist.

LUKE/A: Ooooh! I’ve got it!

MEGAN: What, Luuuuuuk… (unsure of which ending to use)

LUKE/A: Either one today. I don’t mind. But my idea! If we want to have a truly

straight play, we should have the gays as the antagonist!

ROB: Yes! We can make that work.

MEGAN: So here’s the idea…

MEGAN continues speaking as BROCK and JESSICA act out the play,

although BROCK and JESSICA speak their own lines. At this point, TINA

and NICK return to the table.

MEGAN: One day, Jessica and Brock saw each other. Their eyes met. But be-

fore they could frolic through the meadow to leap into each other’s arms, their

way was blocked by the Malicious Gays! (MEGAN, LUKE/A, and ROB

all make dramatic “DUN DUN DUN” noises. They continue to make this

noise any time “The Gays” is said).

THE GAYS run onstage, hissing. They go between BROCK and JESSICA,

blocking their way. They may continue moving/hissing in an almost snake-
like manner).

MEGAN: All hope was lost.

JESSICA: We’ll never be together now!

BROCK: But wait! I have with me the most powerful weapon against The Gays—

THE BIBLE!

BROCK pulls out a Bible and holds it aloft. THE GAYS recoil and begin writhing

in agony. As he recites Leviticus 18:22, THE GAYS scatter and run off. A few may

be yelling, “It burns!”

MEGAN: The Gays had been vanquished. Nothing could keep Brock and Jessica

apart any longer. They run to each other’s arms and embrace passionately

with some groping to assure the heterosexuality of the hug. Jessica and

Brock are wed in holy matrimony and have 2.5 children who all learn gen-

der-appropriate activities. THE END!

BROCK and JESSICA. who stand together like a wedding cake topper for

the end, exit, as TINA, ROB, MEGAN, and LUKE/A applaud enthusiasti-

cally. NICK looks uncomfortable.

TINA: Okay, that looks like a really good plot we have going. Nick, what did you

think?

NICK: Well, doesn’t it seem like you’re kind of . . . stereotyping?

Instant Blackout.

END

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